TOXIC MASCULINITY. The Silent Death Sentence!

Toxic- A term derived from the Medieval term ‘toxic us’ meaning poisonous or imbued with poison.

Masculinity- Having the qualities or appearance considered to be typical of men or connected with men.

We are in a world that has consistently evolved to current day and we are now in a time and space where perhaps we all need to take time to pause and introspect deeply, perhaps even mediate and take a long hard look at our society to understand and maybe question more answers as opposed to just answering questions to truly dissect this topic and have a better comprehension, to position ourselves into creating a better tomorrow for our children.

Out of curiosity, I will delve into a few practical, diverse yet linked perceptions of this difficult conversation on toxic masculinity, if you dear Sir or Madam, would so kindly indulge my 2 Cents;

§  From the ancient days of the Greek Empires and for the ardent lovers of Spartacus there were duels that exist as a form of entertainment to royalty and the participants were prepared to display their might valor and bravado in the glorifies fights. As a result, the impression of the Spartans is associated with the mental big picture of tall, big strong men who were very brave and often showed little emotion except loud roars of victory over opponents conquered.

§  In Africa, among the Maasai community, the Morans had the right of passage where they were to kill lions using their bare hands and crude instruments and upon the traditional victories, there was a big celebration involving singing, dancing, eating meat and drinking traditional brews to celebrate the brave Moran and the gallant Maasai morans were known to have the uncanny mental ability and survival tactics that are still not quite well understood.

§  In Southern Africa, among the people of the kingdom of the Eswatini, there exists the famous Reed Dance where the traditional king has many virgins paraded before him, in beautiful traditional bright colored gear and bare chested for him to select the virgin who will have the privilege of being his new bride and this is embraced as a source of pride because the king has a vast kingdom and continuity of the royal blood is deemed to be culturally important. This practice continues until date despite the current HIV prevalence in the southern region in general.

§  In the Middle East, where Islam is the dominant religion the society is predominantly patriarchal and according to the holy books a man is allowed to have up to four wives and it is evident that the man is the center of power at home, so you can call him “Command” if you were an ardent viewer of Scandal where Olivia Pope was featured on our screens often with a love triangle that remains comical to many.

§  Fairly recently there was a video doing rounds of a little boy being thrashed mercilessly by a woman who seems to have either been the caretaker/nanny/ aunt/ mother/step mother. When I watched the video and heard the screams of the innocent little boy, my heart sank and I wondered to myself silently “What is happening I this woman’s life? Why is she being so cruel to this innocent baby boy? Is she sane? Perhaps she is just psychotic? Or perhaps she is in a toxic marriage and this is the kind of brutal assault her partner inflicts upon her for years? Maybe even that morning? Could this child be suffering an unfair projection of toxic masculinity in marriage?  Or maybe the child is a product of an extra marital affair? “The questions that ran through my mind were endless but one thing was for sure that young boy was too young and innocent to deserve the kind of assault that he was being subjected to and part of me was so angry at the society that fails to protect innocent children from such inhumane acts.

Dear reader, for a boy child who has been raised by such a violent parent / care taker / guardian what kind of partner do you suppose he will tend to be? When you meet him as a single man, ready to mingle at some affluent black- tie party and he smells so good in expensive cologne and dressed up in the finest suits, do you imagine for one second dear ladies that he has the label .

What features do the above scenarios have in common?

o   The man is the dominant.

o   The authority the man holds is not to be questioned.

o   The woman is the subordinate and is often just viewed as an object of gratification to the man hence her needs especially emotional and mental are often neglected.

o   The man is not expected to show emotions such as being hurt, depressed, sad or express any form of vulnerability hence the common phrase “Man up!” Hence the man is cultured to suppress many parts of themselves which I think is unhealthy.

o   The man often suffers extensively by failing to experience the full range of human emotion, including not mourning properly after loss and grief of loved ones which could lead to poor coping mechanisms such as alcoholism and substance abuse, sexual exploration and addiction and sometimes isolation and often depression.

o   Gender roles were well defined and the bravado, macho roles were the domain of the man, however the softer skills like nurturing children and taking care of homes and meeting physical needs of the men were the roles of women. As a result of these roles, in some African societies, it was deemed unnecessary for the girl child to receive formal education. The perception was that a girl’s most important task was to bear children to ensure continuity of the clan and in some communities the expected modality was spontaneous vertex delivery (SVD) to use midwife Lingo and women who delivered babies by Caesarean Section, were and still are considered as ‘weak women’ and often scorned as cowards, despite the fact that often there exists a very legitimate reason why she could not be able to push naturally! In some contexts, a woman has to wait for her spouse to come sign the consent form for an urgent caesarean section, in the event he is not there some women will absolutely refuse the life-saving procedure, this has been the narrative among many African hospital corridors.

o   Suicide, it is well documented that men have higher rates of successful suicides than females, women have been known to attempt suicide more often but have lower death rates as most often it is a cry for help but men have been found to be more meticulous in planning and execution of attempted suicides. Among the war veterans who often fall into post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) suicide is a common occurrence especially during the phase where they are struggling to reintegrate back into their families and society after being in war zones for so long.

This is a very sad reality, that I believe needs us to urgently sit down from different contexts and dissect this problem meticulously so as to raise better sons and better partners for our daughters.